How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce

Before You Talk to Your Children

Divorce may be one of life's greatest stressors for both parents and children. Before you sit down with the entire family, though, you and your spouse may want to consider coming to terms on a few issues. For example, it may be a good idea to determine the new living arrangements before talking to the kids. This way, the two of you can establish what will be different or the same with regard to your children's circumstances. It may also be beneficial to be together when you break the news to your children and to do it sooner rather than later. Professionals advise not to leave this discussion to the last minute but to find a time to talk before a spouse moves out.

During the Discussion

When you and your spouse sit down with the children, you want to reassure them that both of you will continue to love them and be in their lives. For this reason, be prepared to address questions such as where will Dad (or Mom) live? How often will we see him (or her)? Will he (or she) call every day? Although it may be difficult, parents should try to put their children's emotional needs first during this period. You want them to feel loved and cared for throughout the entire process. Going through divorce is never easy, so help your children emerge from it in as balanced an emotional state as possible.

Consider What to Say and What Not to Say

Professionals generally agree that children should not hear a blow-by-blow account of what led to the separation and divorce. In fact, consider giving younger kids simpler explanations of the situation. Since even infants can suffer anxiety during divorce because they can sense changes occurring in their environments, realize that this will have an effect on your entire family. Begin by explaining what the divorce will mean to the kids. Tell them if they will be moving, sharing a room with a sibling or how often they will see mommy or daddy. Children may not be able to articulate what they're feeling, so focusing on how divorce will affect them may address some of their unspoken fears.

Try to avoid abruptly finishing the discussion when you have told your children about the changes. Give them an opportunity to address their concerns. Your children's questions might actually provide the framework for the discussion, so consider saying only the necessities at the outset. For example, you might begin by explaining what divorce means, but let your children's questions guide you through the rest of the discussion. No matter what age the kids are, the situation should not be explained through blame or anger toward the other parent. In all cases, be prepared to reassure the children of the love both parents have for them and remind them that both parents will continue to be in their lives, just differently than before.

After the Discussion

After the initial discussion, realize that there may be more things your kids may want to talk about, in time. As time goes on, your children may have added questions and feelings. Make sure you and your spouse are available for these talks too. Discussing divorce with your children is a process, not a one-time talk.

Talking, Listening and Reassuring

Regardless if it is during the first conversation or after the divorce is final, allow your children to express their feelings. They might feel angry, sad, depressed or guilty--children's minds can go wild as they try to cope with their parents' separation. Children may see the world through egocentric eyes; they may even feel responsible, fantasizing that if they'd been better kids this wouldn't have happened. Listen to your children and find a way to respond to their feelings. Correct them gently if they do express thoughts that somehow they are responsible.

Reassurance of love can come from hugs and kisses. Put your arm around your daughter sometimes; hug your son for no reason. This physical display of affection is good for both you and your children.

Structure and Routine

Routine may provide the structure that can help your children as they deal with the divorce. While children are trying to master the emotions they are feeling, structure can offer some stability. A schedule that both parents abide by may give children some comfort because they know what to expect. They know that Dad will call every day and that Wednesday is pizza night. They understand that Mom picks them up on Friday. If you can provide an environment with a routine, your children may begin to feel more trust and safety about the situation.

Get Professional Advice if Needed

Naturally, parents are going through a lot of emotions, too. Sometimes having to put their children's needs first can actually help parents cope. But, if parents feel overwhelmed or anguished, it can help to talk to a counselor or another therapeutic professional to help with this transition. As bad as the situation may feel at the time, most professionals believe that parents and children can come through a divorce successfully and, perhaps, stronger than they were before.